A Christmas Present To Me December 24, 2012

I have a lot of things I’m honestly NOT that thankful for. Just being honest. Sometimes life sucks in a big way. If I were always where i should be spiritually then this wouldn’t be the case. But as a mere mortal, I am not always where I should be. God however, is not vindictive. He sends rain to the just and the unjust and gives us what we need no matter what. He blesses our lives just by being present in them. I’m really thankful for this. So. Despite my worries, fears, lack of trust and sometimes psycho behavior, God has blessed me again with another child. I can’t lie. I’m scared to death. I’m about seven weeks along and i’m scared. As you know from my previous posts, I’ve been here and done that a little less than 3 months ago. I am terrifed of waking up and finding blood in the toilet. Whenever i have to go to the bathroom I feel a little fear in my heart. And it puts a damper on telling the news to my family. Especially since last month i had a false positive. That really made things tough and I had a lot of hope for 2 days. I love to share things with my family so a pregnancy is always something i tell them right away. If something happens to the baby I want them to know that there was one in the first place. It is still hard though to go out on that limb and get others excited and/or worried for me. It is hard to just let go and be happy. This is what I have been hoping for and dreaming for for a really long time. I’m so excited but it is hard to not feel afraid. God has been showing me a lot of things and directing me to scriptures to take my mind off of this and to turn it to him instead. It’s hard to not feel like you will have another miscarriage because it isn’t fair that you should be pregnant when other people are struggling to conceive. Or when other people experience multiple pregnancy losses. I have a really hard time with not putting the burdens of others onto myself and feeling guilty for the blessings that i have. In moments like these I find it helpful to just focus on MY life. What God is showing ME. i have burdens that others may never want. God’s plan for MY life isn’t the same as his plans for others. I rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh. I’m also remembering that God has numbered the days of the lives of every creature here on earth. He has numbered my days and the days of the baby in my belly already. nothing i do or don’t do, nothing i say or don’t say, will change any of it. Today, this baby is alive and growing in my belly. Today I will trust God for me and my baby and I will rejoice with what he has chosen to do TODAY. TODAY i am really thankful for my christmas present of a new baby. And prayerfully i will be able to meet it.

thanks for rejoicing with me TODAY. and if you read this and know me, please rejoice in your hearts with me and pray for me until i feel comfortable letting others know.

 

Much Love and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Recipe: Zucchini ‘Pizza’ Bites (GF WF and Grain Free) December 20, 2012

I think I saw this idea on Pintrest but I never actually clicked on the link I just saw it and thought ”hey! tasty!” I was cleaning out our fridge among other things today and came across some zucchini I had purchased a few weeks ago. With the help of Max – and boy what a helper he is! – I made us some lunch.

2 – 3 Zucchinis (Whatever size is fine!)

1 small can tomato sauce

3 Roma tomatoes

1/2 – 1 c. Shredded Italian Cheese Blend

Sea Salt

Garlic Powder

Slice Zucchini into 1/2” rounds and place on a greased baking sheet or ungreased baking stone. Slice Roma tomato in half and then slice the halves so you have little half moons. It honestly doesn’t matter the size of them! Just slice the tomatoes to whatever size your zucchini is. Mine were small-ish rounds so I did little half-moon pieces. Dust your slices generously with garlic powder and coarse sea salt. Pour a half spoonfull (approx) of tomatoe sauce on each slice. Cover everything with the cheese blend. Bake at 350 Degrees for approx. 15 minutes! Enjoy!

These were so delcious and made the PERFECT plant based healthy lunch. (Except for the cheese) I ate them up so fast there aren’t many leftover. Big bonus it is also very economical. Zucchini is one of the cheapest summer veggies out there! They are totally out of season right now but I am so desperate for produce I don’t even care. Have an awesome day!

Recipe: Pumpkin Pie Smoothie (Dairy Free with GF and Grain Free Variation) December 13, 2012

This holiday season I haven’t been able to have any pumpkin pie and when i sampled some pumpkin dessert i had made at thanksgiving it ended up being a bad thing for my body. I love that this is sugar and dairy free AND tasty! I’m going to add variations to this if you would like it to be sweeter but i prepared mine without maple syrup and with un-sweet almond milk and it was delicious!!! I gulped it down in record time.

1/3 c. Canned Pumpkin

1 1/2 Banana

Dash of Ginger

Dash of Nutmeg

1 TBL of Cinnamon

1 Spoonful of Almond Butter

1 cup of Almond Milk (you can use coconut or sweetened almond milk or regular milk if you are not sugar/dairy free)

1 1/2 TBL Pure Maple Syrup (if you are not sugar free)

1 small handful of Whole Oats (leave out the oats if you are gluten/grain free)

Combine all ingredients in a blender or food processor until smooth and creamy and dreamy!!!

Recipe makes a 1 large glass. Continue to add milk/ice until you reach the consistency you prefer.

ENJOY!

 

 

The inspiration for this smoothie was from Oh She Glows

 

 I didn’t have some of what she was requiring on hand and I didn’t feel like waiting around for an hour for my oats to soak. I was hungry yo! this smoothy is so satisfying and filling and perfectly sweet! have a great day my friends!

 

Healing: An Update December 11, 2012

First – I hope that you don’t mind the constant theme changes on my blog. My brother is pretty busy these days which is awesome for him! So I am just trying to figure out something that i like in the meantime. Also i know that i am still not faithful with blogging. we have so much going on that i don’t really care. I’m just going to blog when i can and hope that it is entertaining/helpful/encouraging/or whatever you need it to be!

Since everything happened with losing little bug things have been getting better and better. Things between me and friends and me and God and me and family. I feel like God used it on so many levels to really draw closer to so many people in my life. Until you have something like this happen to YOU it is just hard to understand and comprehend. It is hard to understand the vulnerability of life until you experience a direct loss – any kind of loss – whether it be a baby in the womb, outside of the womb, close friend or relative. It kind of shatters that wall of security and protection you feel you have on your life and forces you to become totally dependent on God. To trust that he has your best and loves you more than you thought possible even though he took something away from you. God will take every single thing you have away until you realize that he is the only thing you ever need. face it, accept it and move on. ‘cuz that is just how it is my friend. and once you get to that place. to that place of acceptance and complete surrender, life takes on a new flavor. It tastes simple, pure and sweet. It becomes uncomplicated because you really don’t have to worry. do i worry? uh… YEAH! but i don’t have to worry. that is the good part.

Another thing that really sealed this chapter and event in my life was to get a tattoo in honor of my family. All of my family – even the child that isn’t here. It helped the healing process feel complete. A lot of people think a lot of different things about tattoos. i think they are probably one of THE MOST over thought things in our society. don’t get me wrong. people get some really dumb things permanently inscribed in their skin. things i am quite positive they will regret later. but we have one life. it is really NOT a big deal. yeah, it might look like crap when we get older but hey! NEWS FLASH! EVERYTHING Looks like crap when we get older. If you are thinking ”hey isn’t there that verse that says not to mark yourself or something like that…” I firmly believe that this scripture is a part of the old covenant. Not the new. I would love to go on and secure this with some good points BUT I am not writing about this to defend a decision i made. I’m just putting out there a very personal thing that i did that is a part of me now. it really isn’t up for attack or debate.

My brother, Micah (same guy who is crazy kewl and talented and will one day give me a crazy kewl site design) designed this tattoo. I told him what i wanted and he put it on paper. I brought it to the artist (an apprentice i might add) and she put it on my skin. I cried when she was done and still feel this emotional and special bond when i look at it. no regrets here. I always thought that if i ever got some ink that i would get something that symbolized my relationship with God or my family. this was perfect. did it hurt? yeah it did. in a way it was really therapeutic though. i would never have this child. i would never give birth – although in a way i did- so this was my pain. it was intense and the result was amazing. to have micah involved also meant a lot as he really understood what i wanted and the meaning. i was looking at tattoos on google and saw this image of three birds on a branch and two flying away. i loved it! not quite enough detail and a little small but i loved it. i decided it was what i wanted. after i decided i clicked on the story and to my surprise, this woman had experienced two pregnancy losses. her candor and story totally hit home. i sent it to micah and told him the changes i wanted.

here is the end result.

Photo credit is Jesseca Bellemare at Jesseca Bellemare Photography.

I’m sure the tattoo speaks for itself but the three birds are Jesse and Max and I and the bird flying away is little bug flying to heaven. I will update with a more close-up shot later on but this is the best one i had on hand.

Thank you all for your love, prayers and support. it has given me so much strength. also, in case you were wondering, i will add on to the tattoo as needed.

DISCLAIMER: tattoos ARE a permanent part of your person and should be considered with care. Only use an artist that uses single use needles and has 100% success rating with online reviews.

Recipe of the Week: Black Bean Cookies October 4, 2012

I’m going to start posting a healthy and economical recipe every week. For this week it will be a healthy treat! I love love to cook and bake. It is so therapeautic for me and I love others through preparing nutritous healthy meals that show I not only love them, but that I love their bodies as well. I found these cookies on Pinterest. They linked me back to an awesome blog that I have gotten other healthy recipes from. I’ll just link you over there to make sure I give credit where credit is due. Here is the original recipe! From now on, I’ll try to post pictures from the actual product. But I’m posting this a few days after I originially made them so they are long gone. Even Will liked them! (Will is my carniverous brother-in-law. I will make frequent reference to him and his eating habits. It may help in letting you know the tasty scale of a food item. He eats everything so his opinon may help you if you aren’t used to eating particularly healthy but would like to try to start.)

RECIPE Black Bean Chocolate Chili Cherry Cookies

Makes nine 3” cookies

Ingredients:

1 ½ cups black beans, very soft (or one 15 oz. can)

2 Tbsp. coconut oil (or ghee)

1/3 cup organic cocoa powder

1/4 tsp. coarse sea salt, plus more for sprinkling

1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper

1/3 cup maple syrup (or honey, agave)

2 Tbsp. chia seeds (or use 2 Tbsp. ground flax seeds OR 2 eggs)

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1/3 cup chopped dark chocolate (80% or higher)

1/4 cup chopped dried cherries (optional, or use dried cranberries)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

2. Mix chia seeds, maple syrup, and vanilla in a bowl and set aside. If using eggs, skip this step.

3. Place drained and well-rinsed beans, coconut oil, cocoa, salt and cayenne in a food processor and blend until well combined. Add maple syrup and chia mixture (or eggs) and pulse to incorporate. The batter will be quite liquid-y, but still hold together.  Remove blade from the food processor and add chopped chocolate and cherries. Fold to incorporate.

4. Spoon cookie batter onto lined baking sheet. Using the back of the spoon, flatten top of cookies slightly, as they will not spread when baking. Sprinkle with coarse sea salt (important!). Bake for 15 minutes until the edges are browning. Cool and eat. Store in the fridge.

MY NOTES: Because I am only about 95% vegan so far, I used eggs. I also used some dairy free chocolate chips I had on hand instead of the chocolate. Remember that it is so easy to substitute what you actually have in recipes. You don’t have to be specific unless the recipe is specific. It can save you a lot of money! I don’t think you can get much cheaper than a can of black beans… if you can’t afford that then I can’t help you. Also I did not use chili powder. I don’t really love spice and I knew my audience wouldn’t like it either. I hope you enjoy!

Healing…

The healing process after losing my little bug has been both longer and shorter than I thought it would be. When it first happened I felt like my thoughts would never be in order again and I couldn’t see past the hole in my heart. It seems like it happened months ago instead of 1 month ago. Then after 3 weeks something happened. I woke up and didn’t feel so weighed down by the grief anymore. I felt like I could be a mom and a wife again. I started baking and cooking and calling friends and playing with Max. I could talk to Jesse without talking about the baby. The baby still follows me around every day. Like a tiny little ghost. It is a part of my life. Completely and wholly I have another child. A child that is with Jesus and is being shown glory and great and mighty things. I am so glad that it is in the safest arms and the safest place it could ever be. I hope you don’t mind but from now on I’ll refer to little bug as a he because that was what I felt he was. He holds a little spot of my heart just like Max and just like Jesse. A sweet little babe that means as much to me as a living child. I will always cry and feel sad at times that I can’t anticipate but for now, I can live life and not feel haunted by what I wish was.

In our culture there is a disconnect with those who are pro-life. They say they are pro-life. But when you lose a baby at the beginning stages of pregnancy, before the baby has been formed, they question why you should grieve. It wasn’t a whole baby. It was so early on. Why do you feel so sad? I’ll tell you why – when that stirring of life first happens in a mother’s womb, your heart sings. You feel a whole-ness. You may worry or be afraid but in the end this baby is yours. It is a part of you. You immediately begin dreaming and imagining and picturing a fuller heart and a full belly. This baby is a person. A living being that had a heartbeat and breath and life. In heaven it is not a blob sitting in a jar with a bunch of other blobs. His body has been restored to that of a child. He is rejoicing in the glory of a God that imagined and created and gave him life and breath. And as such I will grieve. As a mom who now has two children, one who I will not meet on this earth, I will grieve. I love my baby and always will. The little bug that will always be missing from pictures and from the every-days of life. I love you little bug. And I thank God for choosing me to carry you for such a short time. For such a time as this. You have drawn me closer to Him in ways that would never have happened if you hadn’t come at all. Thank you for changing in my life. In a big way. Like every child does.

Love, Mom

Loss… September 11, 2012

My heart is so heavy as I make an ammendment to the announcement I posted what only seems to be a few days ago. On Thursday, September 6, God took our little baby back to be with Him. It is a very surreal experience to lose a child. My little bean was only 6 weeks old. Just the stirring of a new life inside of my belly. But “a person’s a person no matter how small.” I can’t say for sure, because as women it is very easy to have the perpetual fear that your baby won’t make it earthside, but I think I knew. I knew all along that this baby wasn’t mine to keep. Even after the doctor at the ER told me that I was still pregnant, I knew I had lost it.

I would love to say that I have accepted the cup God has given me. I am reading a book about that. Contentment and acceptance. Sometimes I really feel like I have accepted it. I deserve Hell. But God chose me to be his own instead. On top of that, he gave me a husband and son. Both of whom are incredibly more than I could ever ask or think. So why should I even think twice about God taking something from me that was never mine in the first place. These are the thoughts I am fighting. Fighting what I KNOW to be true against what I FEEL.

What I know to be true: God is good. All the time. No matter what. He knows best. He knows my future and has laid out my path for me to walk. He knows my heartbeat and holds my grief in his hands. He knows all about it and loves me more than I could ever hope to be loved. He is sufficient. He ordained that this baby would never live past six weeks. There was no life this baby could or would have lived. This was it. And lastly, everything happens to point back to Christ in some way so that I can glorify him.

What I feel: Grief, sadness and a question – Why? Why did this happen? We weren’t even trying for a baby. This was a happy accident. This wasn’t in the cards. He could have just allowed it not to happen. He could have just left me alone. But he didn’t. He gave me a baby. It was flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones. It was a piece of Jesse and I, growing inside of me. I wanted a baby so badly but we weren’t ready yet. We weren’t in the right place to intentionally try. And once I found out I was so excited and immediately began thinking to what would be. A growing belly, finding out the sex, where I would give birth. I just don’t know how I am supposed to grieve and how I am supposed to find closure. It was only 6 weeks but it was still a life. Still a person. And I will find a way. I will honor that person that was inside of me. I just don’t know how and I just don’t know how long it will take. But it will be ok. I just need time. I’ll write more later but right now my thoughts feel so foggy like I can’t sort through them properly. I am crying at random points throughout the day and things set it off that I wouldn’t expect. But it WILL be ok. God is holding my heart.