I have a lot of things I’m honestly NOT that thankful for. Just being honest. Sometimes life sucks in a big way. If I were always where i should be spiritually then this wouldn’t be the case. But as a mere mortal, I am not always where I should be. God however, is not vindictive. He sends rain to the just and the unjust and gives us what we need no matter what. He blesses our lives just by being present in them. I’m really thankful for this. So. Despite my worries, fears, lack of trust and sometimes psycho behavior, God has blessed me again with another child. I can’t lie. I’m scared to death. I’m about seven weeks along and i’m scared. As you know from my previous posts, I’ve been here and done that a little less than 3 months ago. I am terrifed of waking up and finding blood in the toilet. Whenever i have to go to the bathroom I feel a little fear in my heart. And it puts a damper on telling the news to my family. Especially since last month i had a false positive. That really made things tough and I had a lot of hope for 2 days. I love to share things with my family so a pregnancy is always something i tell them right away. If something happens to the baby I want them to know that there was one in the first place. It is still hard though to go out on that limb and get others excited and/or worried for me. It is hard to just let go and be happy. This is what I have been hoping for and dreaming for for a really long time. I’m so excited but it is hard to not feel afraid. God has been showing me a lot of things and directing me to scriptures to take my mind off of this and to turn it to him instead. It’s hard to not feel like you will have another miscarriage because it isn’t fair that you should be pregnant when other people are struggling to conceive. Or when other people experience multiple pregnancy losses. I have a really hard time with not putting the burdens of others onto myself and feeling guilty for the blessings that i have. In moments like these I find it helpful to just focus on MY life. What God is showing ME. i have burdens that others may never want. God’s plan for MY life isn’t the same as his plans for others. I rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep and laugh with those who laugh. I’m also remembering that God has numbered the days of the lives of every creature here on earth. He has numbered my days and the days of the baby in my belly already. nothing i do or don’t do, nothing i say or don’t say, will change any of it. Today, this baby is alive and growing in my belly. Today I will trust God for me and my baby and I will rejoice with what he has chosen to do TODAY. TODAY i am really thankful for my christmas present of a new baby. And prayerfully i will be able to meet it.
thanks for rejoicing with me TODAY. and if you read this and know me, please rejoice in your hearts with me and pray for me until i feel comfortable letting others know.
Much Love and MERRY CHRISTMAS!